It's true - I'm not really having a good day today. It's not because my life is shit, though, just the usual every day stupidity and irritation that everyone experiences, which I guess is a good thing - a "normal" thing. Still, it's rare that I feel like I can't really put it all into words. So, I come here. You know. My complaining place. :p
Not much has changed. I still have diabetes. I'm still at my current job (which, today, is the source of most of the irritation). I'm still in school, though I'm finishing the next-to-last semester and I'm hoping like hell that I can get through this last stretch. I'm still with Greg. My finances still suck, but I'm relatively happy other than that. I've lost a shitload of weight in the past 2 months and I'm pushing for more - I may even have weight loss surgery at this point (haven't decided for sure yet). See why I don't write much in here anymore?
So why am I here now? What is bothering me?
That usual sense of disconnection, I guess. It persists. Must be a mental thing. I've long since discontinued my therapy sessions - there just doesn't seem a point in going anymore and there are plenty of others that I'm sure need help more than I do. May as well free up the doctor's time. Besides, I go to so many damned doctor's appointments these days for the diabetes that I don't need to spend more time in an office with whitewashed walls, Muzak and out-of-date magazines.
I'm just blue today, I think. Feeling down. I was doing an assignment question for one of my classes about "cyber-bullying" and I started reading about all of the suicides that have happened over the years - a brand new one happened in Canada only weeks ago. The girl was tortured for years before she decided she couldn't take it anymore and hung herself. Hanging seems to be the way everyone does it now. I keep thinking about my own life - I don't know if it's right to say, but I think those kids have the courage of their convictions to take their lives into their hands and end their pain. But is it RIGHT? I don't know. I'm no longer suicidal - but there was a time where I was, I really was, and I would have done ANYTHING to escape that pain.
I couldn't be a teenager today. There is no way in hell I would make it. I would be a suicide statistic, guaranteed.
I'm one of the "forgotten" targets of bullying. It wasn't done online - there was no "online" in those days. But if there had been.... oh, I'd be staring down what these kids did. I know. I KNOW.
I think often about Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. The pain they must have been in. Enough pain to make thousands of Molotovs and buy a shitload of guns, and then just walk casually into school and shoot to kill, anyone that crossed their path. I can't even look at a gun without shaking in fear. How did they do it? How much pain were they in?
Bleh. It's all morbidity today. I wish I could feel cheery and pleasant, or at least content like I usually do, but today the weight of the world is on my shoulders for some reason. I look out and while I don't see complete darkness, it's a bit bleak of an outlook.
I've been ill with a slight cold. That could be one of the reasons. It's also getting toward holiday time, which isn't really an easy time for anyone, but especially for those with my mindset and outlook.
We're going down to my uncle and aunt's for the bird dinner this year. It'll be the first time I've been there since I was 20 years old. It'll probably be one of the last times I see my uncle (he's not in great health anymore and we never did see him very often). While I look forward to it in some ways, I dread it in others. I have always been envious of my cousins, of their lifestyle, how everything seemed to just come easy to them, their nice house in the suburbs and the better schools, etc. While I've struggled for every positive thing I've ever gotten out of life. It's going to be hard to reconcile that to what is now. I have to, though. This is part of the reason I agreed to this, as well - because I want to continue to put the past behind me. It's the only way I'm going to grow as a person. I know that.
As usual, talking some of this out (even if it's only to myself) makes me feel a little better about everything. I have no grand illusion that anyone reads this anymore - I really don't have anything interesting to say, anyhow. But it serves as my "journal", if you will, a place where I can vomit out whatever negative feelings I have and try to sort my shit out so that the people I love don't get a huge dose of it.
For its purpose, it serves well. Because after only 20 minutes of freestyle writing... I feel better. So, thanks for that.
No comments:
Post a Comment