I don't even know how to put into words how I'm feeling right now, exactly. I've just noticed that I've been kind of withdrawn from a lot of people and situations - it's probably to do with my recent diagnosis, no doubt, but it's also that usual sense of disconnection with the world that I seem to keep experiencing from time to time. You know, like - everything bugs the shit out of me and the only way I can regain a sense of equilibrium is to "tune out" for a while, if that makes sense. This often happens when someone has pissed me off, too, in an indirect or roundabout way.
I recently was called "condescending" for expressing an opinion. Yes, that's right - an opinion. It's not fact, it's not engraved in stone. I have negative feelings about this particular subject, that's all, and it's not even an important subject to be honest. But I was called "condescending." At the time (and publicly), I shrugged it off with another pithy comment, as I'm wont to do. But the more I think on it, the more irritated I feel about it. Since when was it wrong to express an opinion - even if one disagrees with it? I'm seeing a LOT of that here lately in the world - it's not safe to speak your mind unless you want to be castigated for it.
My opinion is just that - an opinion. Just because I might say, "everyone who rides bicycles are idiots", it doesn't mean that you're an idiot if you ride a bicycle - "everyone" is used in a general sense of the term. Don't get all fucking SENSITIVE on me. Seriously. Anyone with half a brain (and yes, it's the same here, hello, "anyone" is general) ought to know that I'm not specifically referring to YOU. If I meant to say you, I would have SAID "you". As in, "you're a fucking moron." There - that's pretty specific, isn't it.
I've spent the majority of my life biting back my opinions, thoughts and feelings about shit. I'm still guilty of it to a certain degree, and it pisses me right the fuck off when I'm assigned a negative quality because I actually dared to open my mouth and speak out. Well, the only thing that I can say is that said people had better get used to the fact that I'm not going to "shut up and be a good girl" any longer. Don't like my opinion? Think I'm condescending? You can waltz right on out of my life, then, because I have too much to do with it.
Along with this negative bullshit, I've been focusing on other issues that have made me angry in the past, and trying to come to terms with my feelings about them. I'm not talking about anything before last year, though I've also been thinking on that time period as well to some degree (more about that later). No, these are more recent happenings where I've been pissed off royally, and trying to examine my anger - mainly to see if it's warranted. I'm referring in particular to one specific incident that happened over this summer (which I don't really want to get too deeply into - the person knows what they did because I got a half-assed apology after). The long and short of it is that I was "dressed down", if you will, in front of a bunch of people (some of whom I knew, some I did not). This person does not realize that humiliating me in front of an entire group of people is one of the worst things you can do to me. That is something that I will very likely never be able to forgive them for. It's a central reason why I'm angry at a few select people from a few years ago involving Douchebag, heh. (At this point, I need to start assigning numbers to all the douchebags I know, heh.)
So, was my anger warranted in this case? I believe the answer is yes, because 1. I did nothing to provoke this person's wrath 2. a lot of the incidents referred to happened in the very distant past - and when I say distant, I mean 25+ years ago 3. the potential for embarrassment in front of friends and strangers was there (and truthfully, I was VERY deeply embarrassed by some of what was said - all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and stay there).
I'm very proud of myself. I kept my cool. I just stared at this person coldly and was like, "Really? Is that right?" Over and over, with each new embarrassing revelation. It was uncomfortable enough that this person's spouse kept going, "You've said enough." Greg was there. He saw what happened, every bit of it, and bless him for hearing me out on the way home, raging in the car. He's one in a million, he is.
Later on, I got an apology through Email. "I'm sorry - maybe I said too much." Gee, you THINK?
That's one instance in which I really wish I'd said something. That's one of those things that's going to burn inside of me, and one of these days I'll get angry enough and let loose. God help those in the vicinity when that happens.
But, among all of this crap, there's been a small light - I've done some thinking about all of the mess of the last six years... and things have come to a point of total indifference. I haven't really thought about it in a long time - obviously, with the new job and my diagnosis and being with Greg and trying to balance everything that's going on... it's not something that really comes to mind anymore, and when it does, it's just a fleeting thought of, "man, was I stupid" and then it's pushed away again into the depths. It's a good, safe place to be. I tested the waters and listened to a few key pieces of music from that time period - things that I used to associate (falsely, it turned out) with Douchebag 1, heh, and the situation (as fucked as it was).... and no reaction. Nothing. It was like listening to background white noise that you might fall asleep to - it's there, but it means nothing to you but as a means to an end. And that's what it turned out to be. My mind is eased and my conscience is clear.
Does it mean that I've forgiven the principals involved? I don't know that I've forgiven them as much as they just don't matter to me anymore. I've moved on with my life, they've moved on with theirs, they probably think as much about me as I do of them, which is fleetingly to not at all. I can't really say with any certainty that I've forgiven anybody, and I may never be able to say that - but I've also learned that that's okay.
I have to put the past to bed, or at least to try. Because that's what's held me back all of these years. But sometimes it's hard, especially when I keep seeing facets of my past everywhere - faces, places, memories. Sometimes the memories are what's hardest.
I went to the store that I had worked once, long ago, when it was a CompUSA - only now it's an A.C. Moore craft store. But I walked in there and I didn't see dried flowers or acrylic paint.... I saw rows of computers, video cards, people in red shirts and black pants, the customers, the corporate desk, the training classrooms. I saw the ghosts of my friends, of my coworkers, of 15 years ago. I saw the person that I had adopted my cat, Pearl, from when she was a tiny kitten. I saw Pearl in a box with a soft towel, and I remembered holding her close. And I had to walk out of the store, because I started to cry. I couldn't help it. :( There are some things that I just haven't put away, not yet. But I'm working on it, little by little.
Tears in my eyes now. I've still got so long to go before I'm right again. Will it ever come?
Enough for now. I'm not going to solve all of these outstanding issues in a rambling post like this. But as always, this is the place I go when I don't feel I can get it out anywhere else.
Hopefully, someday, all of this will be a non-issue.
Thanks for listening, if you got this far.
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