My life, as I once knew it, is over.

It's been quite a while since I wrote in here.  QUITE a while.  And normally, this is a good thing.  However, I was recently hospitalized for a lower leg infection that didn't seem to want to go away.  I took tons and tons of antibiotics, but... nothing.  So, I went to St. Joseph's Medical Center in Towson - the emergency room, specifically - to see just what the hell was going on.  And I figured, eh, a couple of shots, this shit will clear up, right?

How wrong I was.

I ended up staying for four days.  I was poked, prodded, stuck with a thousand needles.  And the results came back, to my utter shock and horror.  One word.  One word that has now changed everything - the playing field, the game, my entire life.

Diabetes.

I have been diagnosed with type-II adult onset diabetes.  There is no cure.  There is no stopping it.  It is permanent.  It has altered the course of everything I believed in, everything I stood for, everything I once did and can do no longer.

I now have six prescriptions at a pharmacy, where I once had none.  Lancets to stick into my fingers to test blood sugar.  Test strips for a meter.  Insulin, two different types.  Needles to stick into my belly, four times a day.  Pills to swallow every night.  I can no longer eat anything I want.  My meals now consist of measuring cups and counting numbers and being careful not to have too much bread or coffee creamer, or indeed ANYTHING with sugar.  And believe me - almost everything you eat is laced with sugar, whether in pure form, or sugar alcohol.

Yes, my life has imploded to the extreme.

And yet.... even THIS isn't going to stop me from taking control of my life.  This is, after all, MY LIFE.  I've survived much worse than this.  I've survived abuse on almost every level.  Loneliness.  Deep depression.  Countless suicide attempts.  Alienation from the world, so-called friends, family.  If I can survive all of that, and come out on the other side.... diabetes is NOTHING.  Nothing at all.

I still have my job/employment/career.  I still have Greg, who has proven himself beyond measure to be a rock, someone I can truly depend on in a crisis, someone who truly loves me - and I do believe that now, with all of my heart.  Those doubts, at least, are finally gone for good.  Because if he didn't have a reason to walk before, he does now - and yet, he's stayed.  He's filled my insulin needles.  He's helped me count the carbs, he's picked up my medicines, he's visited me in the hospital, he's explained how to test the sugar, he's gone above and beyond the call of duty.  I can't imagine what my life would be without him, now.  I hope I never have to imagine it.

September 11, 2012 is the date of my diagnosis.  How odd that it would be on the most notorious date of the year for every American - when all of our lives, our safety net, our illusions of grandeur, exploded into nothingness, into a new reality for everyone.  Indeed, my diabetes diagnosis has been the same.

My life, as I once knew it, is over.  But I have opened the door into a new life - yes, one with pills and needles and strips and "inconveniences" - but in the end, it's a healthier life.  A life where I CARE about what I do and how I feel and how others feel.  It's a life where I MAKE the time to exercise and eat right and take care of my body.  It's a life where Carrie takes care of Carrie, for a rare change.  It's a life where the priority is self-worth, not self-abuse.

I have already dropped eleven pounds this week.  Most of it is from the lack of food in the hospital - as they didn't give me much, they needed to stabilize my sugar - but some of it is since I've been released, as my diet has drastically changed.  Oddly, I don't feel deprived.  I can still have a lot of my favorites.  Steak and most meats are actually OKAY on my diet - God, how I love a good steak.  I can have all of the mushrooms I want - I love, love, LOVE mushrooms.  Cheeses are just fine.  Eggs are encouraged, as they're protein.  I love all of these things.  I don't have to go without them.  Even the carbs, while highly restricted, aren't totally out of reach.  I can have a banana, or a piece of bread, or a baked potato - I just have to limit these things as much as possible.  And, of course, I've learned to love salads, broccoli, cauliflower, most vegetables.  I'm even learning to eat things that maybe I'd turned my nose up at before - grape tomatoes, or cucumbers.  I'm not crazy wild about them, but I'll eat them now.  It's good for my body and good for my health.

I've already gained a lot more energy than I had.  I've done more things this weekend than I've been able to for the last three months - because I was always SO FUCKING TIRED.  No longer.  I feel energy coursing through me.  I can't wait to harness it.  I've already joined the local Y (with Greg!) to get my exercise in - 3 times a week, for now, plus pool time.  I took a beading class over the weekend and enjoyed it so much that I've bought some supplies - maybe I'll take up a new hobby.  Who knows?  Maybe when I get my bike repaired, Greg and I can go cycling on the weekends.  I'm going to find out, that's for sure.

Diabetes hasn't beaten me.  If anything... I'm determined to beat IT.

The final cherry on the forbidden cake?  I'm STILL pulling straight A's in my classes this semester.  The statistics class, of all things, at that.

Yeah.  This is the kick in the ass that I needed, WANTED, to get my life straight.

Watch out, world.  I've been reborn - and if you think I was determined THEN, wait until you see me now.

Get on the rollercoaster and hold on - it's going to be a RIDE.  :)