I've felt really "off" today. Really sad, weepy, depressed. I couldn't figure out why, because there didn't seem to be a good reason for it; nothing is wrong physically, my relationship with Greg is just fine, and work - while highly irritating right now - is okay, certainly not enough to make me feel like the old days. So, what the hell?
Only it IS something, mentally. It's just something I don't like to think about, or want to for that matter. But....it's been on my mind for a few days now, and it's all to do with timing. And it's not something I'm too proud of.
Maybe, after all this time, I can finally explain. Or try to.
I recently threw a person out of my life, for good. If you go back to some entries that were written back in May....when I had a literal nervous breakdown over severing a six year tie....yes, that's the person I'm referring to. This situation is so fucking complicated that when I say "tie", "threw them out"....there's so much frigging more to that than a simple description can convey. For the sake of brevity, I'll try and condense this (though as more time passes, I'll probably spill it all out like so much sick).
Anyway, this person is on my brain right now because their birthday is coming up this week. I haven't missed their birthday in six years. Not once. I always had something for them, be it a card, a text message, a small package, a phone call. Something.
This year, all I have to give them is my silence. And my absence from their life.
So, why is this such a big deal to me, since I intend to do nothing about it, right? I knew you'd ask that. :p
I was thinking about the whole sad, sorry mess on the way home tonight. About how I always gave more than I EVER received. About how I was manipulated, even DECEIVED, with mixed messages and indecision, waffling and words as weapons against me. About six years of fruitless hope and depression so bad that I nearly ended my life several times out of hand. About how worthless I must have been to them in the end, because don't think they didn't KNOW what they were doing. They knew. They so fucking knew.
And I am finally, finally feeling a slight stirring of something I never could feel before about this person.
Anger. Deep, bottomless, violent, epic fucking RAGE.
This soulless motherfucker took SIX YEARS OF MY FUCKING LIFE AWAY.
I lost a relationship, my sanity, my independence, my sense of self, what LITTLE self-confidence I had....so that he could feed off of my fucking sympathy. A Goddamn psychic vampire, sucking the life from me.
For the first time ever, I'm starting to feel twinges of pure, unadulterated fucking anger.
Since I met Greg, I have learned what real love feels like. I've learned that I'm to be valued, not tossed aside like a fucking sperm rag when someone's gotten what they want. I've learned the difference between being heard and being LISTENED to. I've learned that I'm NOT second best. I have worth beyond a pair of spread thighs! Imagine that!
Oh, my God, I feel such anger at that bastard. If only murder were legal. If only, if only.
Happy motherfucking birthday, bloodsucking douchebag. You will NEVER get another thing from me, ever. Six fucking years will have to do. But....
I hope you still read here. I hope you do. It's going to get real fucking interesting around here in the next year as I start getting rid of you, forever. And you DO know me - if I ever have the chance to scar you for life....I will seize it in a fucking heartbeat. Count on it.
Whoever said that revenge is best served cold doesn't know how fucking GOOD cold food can taste.
1 comment:
I'm not sure what to say here, because I've known you about as long (even a lil longer) as this past relationship you severed. I hope that in getting out your frustrations in this post you relieved yourself of most of that anger. Revenge is never good. In fact, it's allowing that person to still plague your thoughts and heart. He should be and mean nothing to you now, and when he truly is that nothing, you will no longer have this anger. Hopefully with your new life, come this time next year, it won't even be a thought. *hugs* love ya woman!
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