And what might that be, you ask with trepidation? The land of disconnection.
I've felt kind of strange in the last 24 hours.... it's that old feeling of disconnection, of looking outside at the world from inside of my head, and wondering where my place is in all of this chaos and craziness that is society. It doesn't necessarily mean that anything is wrong, per se - it isn't - but I'm just sort of looking quizzically at everyone right now and thinking to myself, "Am I really here or am I just dreaming all of this shit?" That may not make sense to a lot of people, but I'm used to being misunderstood, so it's okay.
Still a few bumps in the road. But I'm adjusting to them as well as I can. In truth, I really don't have much to complain about, which is probably one of the reasons no one really hears from me anymore, heh.
I guess that I'm just in a weird mood today, it's as if a little slice of my depression has come back to say hello in a way. "I'm still here, Carrie, lurking in the shadows... I'm waiting for the time to be right to come back and take up residence again. No worries, it'll happen, and you know it will... I'll just wait here in the meantime." Heh. I fervently pray not, I really do. I don't want it back, ever again.
Things are going as well as I can expect them to be. I'm happy with Greg. Work is going well. School is going well. I'm straightening out financially (well, I'm starting to anyway). My physical health is better and I'm finally taking care of myself the way I should have been all these years.
So why am I sitting here waiting for the other shoe to fall?
It's as if I just can't accept the fact that there's nothing in my life to worry over anymore. I can't get used to the fact that this is the most "normal" I have ever lived, like there's some evil genie behind me waiting to snatch it all away. I guess that the fear hasn't really diminished or even gotten better, in that regard, so at least that's normal. The sad thing is that I don't know what I'm afraid of. Abandonment? Maybe. Being alone? Sure, of course. Not being perfect? Au naturel - but then no one is perfect, right?
Beh, forgive me. I'm just in that strange disconnected world of mine right now. In truth, things are great and I'm just probably seeking a reason to make them not so. As usual. Why can't I enjoy the shine without looking for the tarnish?
The Gods, but I hate being afraid. :(
1 comment:
honestly, i think we all go through this. i've had so many times where i ponder the 'dream' thing. sometimes when you're life seems like it's been shit for so long, it's not that we can't accept the good, it's just we seem to stay on those eggshells waiting for it all to go away and things to go back the way they were for us. i feel ya hun! i truly do!
chin up biznitch!
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