The weird feelings are back.

I haven't written for a while now, but it's partially because I've been quite busy - a good thing, in light of recent developments.  Still, things have happened this week that are, at the very best, confusing. 

 

First of all, I received some very upsetting news yesterday that a close friend of mine (that I had met on a depression forum) has been diagnosed HIV-positive.  They are extremely young - only 18 - and scared out of their mind.  Unfortunately, I think that their past (extensive sexual abuse) has contributed to that diagnosis.  They are very far away (another country) and I cannot do more than simply Email them as far as helping them is concerned.  This puts me in a very precarious position - I don't want to advise them wrong, but I also don't think I can do much simply from where I'm sitting other than what I'm doing.  And, of course, it makes me angry that this person is now suffering from a potentially deadly virus BECAUSE of the abuse that they suffered.

 

Sometimes the world just isn't fair.  I struggle with that, a LOT. 

 

It certainly puts my own life into perspective, unfortunately.  How dare I complain?  Next to this person, I have everything I could possibly want.  My health, my job, my friends (even though it's not all that many, I still have them).  My family, although they've contributed to my problems, certainly - but at least I wasn't sexually abused by my own family.  At least, that's something.

 

I struggle with this news.  I feel so badly for them, but at the same time, I'm glad that it's not me.  And I feel guilty about ... well, feeling that way.  How can I wish that on someone else?  :(

 

Developments have also picked up with the guy I recently met over the dating profile.  I often refer to him off-handedly as "Florida Boy", simply because it's sort of easier for me to tag a nickname onto them, at first.  Things have progressed steadily to constant communication, mainly through text messages and, starting this week, phone calls.  Thank Christ for cell phones, that's all I can say, because I'd not be talking with him as much as I have been otherwise.  I am still feeling a bit standoffish, though with time that's beginning to change.  As always, I am petrified that this is all a big fucking joke and that I'm going to get hurt.  Even now I sit here and I'm just thinking, "well, I haven't heard from him, so maybe he woke up and decided to bail". 

 

Sometimes I think to myself that this would be best.  But another, very miniscule, very tiny part of me wants him to stay.  That maybe, just maybe, I have a real chance of happiness with him being in my life.  But I have to, have to, have to tread carefully.  I don't want this to be yet another mistake in a string of them.

 

Montreal trip in 3 weeks.  I am so looking forward to getting the hell out of here and having some fun.

 

School is picking up.  I have a lot of work to do and unfortunately haven't had time (or inclination, to be honest) to do it.  I hope that I can re-motivate myself, because I can't afford to fail at this point. 

 

Sigh.  Can you tell that I'm restless and uneasy?  It shows....

 

I hope that things will pick up soon.  I'm just feeling.... this slight but weary sense of dread.  I feel like something is in the air, and it's not positive.

 

I hope that I'm wrong on that count.