Positive thoughts.

In one of my usual "spur of the moment" decisions, I've booked a short trip (no more than a weekend, really) to Montreal over the 4th of July holiday.  I've usually found that, most of the time, my split-second choices turn out to be the best ones that I've ever made, so here's hoping that I'll enjoy my trip up there.  It's a "mini" vacation, I guess, but it's one that I sorely need after all of the crap that I've gone through down at work recently. 

 

I had considered not going on a vacation at all.  But I know what would happen to me - I would go batshit crazy in a matter of weeks. 

 

There's comfort in consistency, though - April, May seems to be the usual time when I'm at my most tired and exhausted from dealing with that place and the people inside of that place.  Thursday, for example, I could feel a growing sense of irritation as the night wore on.  After nearly 3 years at this job, you'd think I'd have seen and heard it all, but these addicts keep surprising me.  Still, I guess that I don't really have all that much to complain about, as the work's no longer really that difficult for me and I've managed to gain some "cred" as far as office politics are concerned.  (I remember the days where I was constantly upset by the actions of some of the employees that had been there longer than I had - these days, I'm the one in that position.  Go figure.  Maybe that's why I'm no longer really afraid to open my mouth.)

 

It'll be three years in August.  Three long years, where so much has happened to me.  I'm a completely different person from what I was then.  In that, I guess that I'm normal - which is a funny thing for me to say, since I've never before felt like I was "normal" in any respect.  But, again - my perspective is changing.  A lot of things about me are different now, though maybe not fast enough for my liking.  I've always been kind of impatient, heh - that much has never changed.  :D

 

I think that certain situations that once haunted me so much are beginning to no longer matter to me - or at least, they hurt a lot less than they once did.  For example, I was listening to my last.fm account on the way home from work the other night, and a song popped up that I'd been deliberately avoiding for years - my "first love", I guess you could say, and I had that song as "ours", and all of that sappy, romantic shit that only a naive 14 year old would swallow.  So I listened to it, every word, for the first time in 25 years... and I felt nothing.  Not a numb kind of nothing - a "so what, who gives a shit" kind of nothing.  Indifference.  It's what I wanted to feel, and it's just how I did feel - it means that I've healed from that particular trauma, and it's a sign of consistently improving mental health.  Even snippets of music from recent hurtful situations aren't stinging me as much as they used to (and music is a huge gauge of how I feel - that's always been the case for me).

 

I can't even tell you what a relief that is to me, that the wounds are beginning to close.  Of course, in the afore-mentioned case, it turned out that "my first love" has a child molestation conviction from the early 1990s.  Nice, huh?  Thank Christ for the Maryland Judiciary website lookup feature.

 

This is a lot of the reason why I think I just make horrific choices when it comes to romantic relationships.  Not only do I seem to pick people who are abusive (emotionally or otherwise), but I also seem to pick criminals, more often than not.  Meh.  Good thing that I'm on a complete break from relationships right now.  When will I learn healthy boundaries, for Chrissake? 

 

Although... I think that I'm learning to respect myself a fuck of a lot more than I used to.  That's a good start.

 

Not much else to say today, really.  It's a gorgeous day outside - the epitome of my version of perfect weather - but as usual, I'm stuck inside working on a Friday and nothing's going on.  Usually if I try and take a Friday off, it's either sweltering hot or it rains all frigging day.  Can't win, bluh.

 

I'm feeling rather chatty as of late, so I may do another posting over the weekend, if I have time.  Or revamp this blog altogether.  I keep telling myself that I'll do it, but I really haven't had a chance.  No doubt, however, that the blackness and dark demeanor of the old days have disappeared.

 

And no one's more grateful for that than I am.

 

Until next time.