Thankfully, things are much improved since the last time I wrote. The pressure at work is beginning to ease, and I am getting things, if not accomplished to my satisfaction, done at the very least. This is all that I could ask for.
Some very good financial news: instead of paying the state of Maryland and not getting anything back at all, it looks like I'll be getting a refund of about 5 grand. Now, call me crazy, but - half of that is already spent, and on an unlikely thing, but.... I paid for a 9 night Canadian cruise for my mother. Yes, the same ill-fated one I went on a couple of years ago and absolutely hated.
I know. Why did I do it, right? Well... there's a few reasons behind this. One is the fact that she'll be 70 years old in a couple of months, and the stark fact is that there may not be many of these cruises left for her. Our family is not known for their longevity; both of my maternal grandparents died at 79. I'm slowly beginning to face the fact that my parent(s) will die in the next few years, and that I need to start preparing myself for it, both emotionally and financially. Emotionally, that's obvious. Financially, because I've been informed that I'm supposed to handle all of that when... well, you know, when it happens. Quite frankly, I don't want the responsibility of any of it. But then, I don't want to admit that this is going to happen, either.
I can't help but feel that I've been cheated, somehow, because life was so fucking hard for me growing up. I may say what I will about my mother - about how we don't (and never really have) gotten along, about how she favors my brother over me (or seems to), of all of the mistakes she's made over the course of my life. But she's my mother. I can't ever say that she didn't do her best to raise me right and to try and give me what I asked for... she did her best. I know that.
Wow. I started tearing up just writing that last paragraph, which means that I have a long, long way to go toward acceptance. Maybe I should look on the Internet for books about preparation for the inevitable, though I know that I will never, ever, ever be fully prepared for this. Ever. The day that it happens, you will see me having a massive breakdown.
Anyhow, that's one of the reasons why I did it. I also did it because my mother's income is fixed and not real huge and I know this is something she really wanted - but because of the economy and everything, she wasn't real comfortable about buying it for herself. I work. I have a good job. And this was really a windfall, so it's not like either of us really lost anything by it.
I have about 2400 dollars left for myself, and I've debated a while about what I'm going to do with it. I know that I should pay bills - and a large chunk of it will probably go to that - but I was also thinking about making improvements to the house. Not a massive project, but maybe a storm door, shutters, just little things. I could maybe redo the backyard, but that would take most, if not all, of the money and maybe more. I should call for some quotes, I guess. I really haven't thought much about it. It's still a bit of a shock.
I had more to say tonight, but it's getting late and I'm really tired, so I'll continue these thoughts in the next writing. Sorry it's abbreviated, but, eh. I need my sleep. I'm old now, you know. :D
2 comments:
That's a really lovely thing to do... ya old softie ;)
i got to thinking about what you said about your mom favoring your brother, and it got me thinking about how my sister and i always got pissed because my parents were always there bailing my brother out, and giving him the easy way out all the time, etc. as i look back, i think i'm grateful they were so much more harder on me. i've always done for myself, same with my sister, so in a way, i think it speaks of our strength, and maybe my parents odd way of saying, we did good with you, you'll survive and be ok. but we went somewhere wrong with your brother, so we're trying to make up for it, and in the end, it took away attention from us, no matter how much we ached for the attention my brother always seemed to get. not sure if that made any sense at all, but it's my way of dealing with it.
that was a really nice thing for you to do for her.
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