Bleh. Here we go again. This is getting monotonous.

I've made myself scarce as of late due to another few days of malaise, on-and-off crying jags, and just not feeling emotionally well in general.  It all started on Sunday morning at therapy, for some reason.  It wasn't a pronounced feeling, exactly, but... have you ever walked through the day with kind of an "off" feeling, like something wasn't right?  That's exactly how Sunday felt, and it persisted until I saw the doctor - at which time the entire dam burst and I just started crying like an idiot.  The worst thing about it was that I couldn't even tell the doctor what, exactly, was wrong.  I just blabbered on and on about how I didn't feel well and I hadn't felt like coming and that I just didn't want to talk about anything.  It was the first time that I've ever felt totally out of control during a therapy session.  In a way, that's good that it happened, because I don't feel as if I'M going nuts - it really happens and now the doctor has actually SEEN what I do when I'm like this.  Now if only there were a cure for it... sigh.

 

This is the first day since Saturday that I can honestly say that I feel a little better.  Still, I'm not out of the woods.  Not yet.

 

Some of this has to do with a lot of hard subjects that I've been pondering recently - mainly, death.  I won't lie.  My thoughts have been turning toward death recently, but it's not in a suicidal vein - it's more like... preparation for the inevitable.  I think I touched on this in my last post.  But I've also been trying to think about my own future. 

 

I received an open enrollment form for the Federal long term care insurance program this week.  I think that I'm going to take advantage of it.  Normally, insurance is something that I would have never bothered with, but I thought about it realistically - and the truth is, I'm going to be alone when.... well, when the time comes.  I don't have children.  I probably won't have a partner or be married or have anyone that gives a good fuck what happens to me.  I'll be more or less an orphan when my mother dies.  So... someone has to make sure that I won't be eating Alpo in my old age, or drooling all over my only clean shirt when I get too old to feed myself anymore.  Guess that someone is going to have to be me. 

 

It's obvious just from the way that I'm writing that I'm still not up to par.  I'm just so tired, more tired than I've ever been in my life.  I'm tired of fighting for things that everyone else just takes for granted - friends, family, a stable frame of mind, a future.  And then I'm tired of not feeling grateful for the few things that I HAVE managed to achieve.  I'm tired of thinking, thinking, overthinking. 

 

This, like all things, will pass.  And I will be okay.  I guess that it's just a bad streak of days, which is actually... well, normal.  Just think... for once in my life something is normal.  It's a miracle.  :D