I had originally meant to start this out as a sort of "news-y": type of post, because there's certainly things that have been going on in my life, some of them not necessarily good. Most of them are concerning that of my employment - as most of you know by now, I work for the Federal government, and as most of you also know by now, there's talk of a shutdown of said Federal government. I was extremely worried about it up until this point, despite all of my brave talk. But it's been confirmed as of today that I am considered "essential personnel that are needed to protect life and property" - so no furlough is in the cards for me. That's the upside. The downside is that I still may not get paid for a while - since "appropriations are not approved at this time", heh. I love that phrase. I think I'll use that next time I can't pay a bill. "Oh, sorry, Mr. Gas and Electric Company. I can't pay what you're asking, because appropriations are not approved at this time." Heh.
I'm assured of a paycheck up until March 4. After that... who knows. And this doesn't come at a good time when my bills and spending are starting to go through the roof. I just bloody ordered a bed, a rug, a bunch of fucking shit for the house. What have I done to deserve this utter bullshit? It seems as if there's some kind of force working against me to keep me from stabilizing myself, whether it's physically, mentally, financially, SOMETHING.
Sigh.
I've registered for my summer classes, which I think will give me something to focus on. The break was nice, but I'm starting to feel restless and bored, and I can feel my mental health beginning to dip a little, which isn't a good sign. These three - correctional administration, domestic violence, and listening (imagine that, a course for listening, heh) - ought to keep me occupied for a while. I hope. (Notice that I still haven't touched the hard stuff yet. Sigh again. I'm scared to, truth be told, but it's going to have to come eventually.)
Otherwise, everything is "normal". I've been feeling lonelier than usual lately, and I'm not sure of why that is. Perhaps it's because I see the world moving around me, while I seem to be stationary, the same old sad place that I've always been. I really miss having companionship sometimes. But when I start allowing my mind to "go there", I then think of all of the painful things I had to endure over my life just to get that companionship... and the desire for it fades away, slowly but surely. I never want to have to put myself through some of the things I've done in my life ever again, not for this. It's not worth it. Especially since in the end, I wasn't able to trust anyone not to hurt me, anyway.
Maybe that's the AvPD talking, I don't know. I do know that I will never allow anyone that kind of power over my feelings and emotions ever again. If - and that's a huge if - I ever allow myself to get "involved" with anyone, I know that it's going to be my way or the highway. Unrealistic? Probably. But the alternative is too risky.
Okay, this turned depressing, and that wasn't my intention, so - moving on.
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