.......

I guess that I'm "checking in" once again, though here recently I've been wondering if anyone would really notice that I was gone, anyway.  Don't get me wrong - everything is okay.  It's just that it's not really any better than... well, "just okay".  I guess that I should be grateful that it's not worse - after all, I could be crying incessantly, having suicidal thoughts again, a whole plethora of bad things.  But I'm starting to wonder whether that's all I want out of life, "just okay".  You know what I mean?

 

I've been struggling a bit with the AvPD diagnosis.  You see, AvPD people don't WANT to do what they do, which is avoid people, they actually want friends and to be social and all of that.  They just... can't, I guess, because they're afraid of getting hurt or whatever, and that's exactly how I feel.  Remember all the previous posts where I'd lament my loneliness, wish I had friends, wish I was better at talking to people, etc.?  Yep - that's my AvPD in action.  Lovely, huh?

 

Still, at least I have awareness of it now.  Therefore I can work with it.  That's something, anyway.

 

The bed has arrived.  Hopefully by this time tomorrow I'll be sleeping in it.  I (and my sore back) can't wait.  I can also start working on getting my bedroom together, etc.  Yes, it'll take money I don't have, but you know what?  There's no way I'm going to avoid debt - it's impossible.  So I may as well do it right and get the things I need (and, yes, admittedly, some things I want as well). 

 

I'm tired of living like a refugee.  I'm tired of never buying things because I'm afraid I'll just lose them.  I'm sick of being frugal and living on the edge because I'm scared that I'll be in poverty, just as I started in life.  Fuck it.  I'm not going to live like that anymore.  Even if I'm in debt for the rest of my fucking life.  Enough is enough. 

 

My therapist says that I'm scared to spend money and buy the things I need because it's yet again another form of self-punishment.  Yeah, well.  Perhaps I should do what he suggests and "listen to my inner child" some more. 

 

Only how do I explain that my inner child is screaming more often than not?

 

Meh.  I'm in a weird mood today.  Perhaps this just shouldn't be a day of contemplation.  It's not been the best of weeks for me, anyway - work is getting on my nerves (as usual it's my lazy, unethical, good-for-fuck-all coworkers irritating the piss out of me), I've not been well physically (I've gained weight and yet I haven't eaten a goddamn thing this week, which is par for the fucking course), and I'm just pretty much fed up and frustrated with life in general.

 

Just a passing phase, I know, I know.  (sigh)