Suckage abounds.

This past week has been hell on earth, as I've previously stated. One of the main reasons as to why is because I've been forced to work in the lab without air conditioning during what has easily been, so far, the hottest week of the year. I have been fighting a screaming headache, heat stress, nausea and Christ knows what else since Tuesday, all in the name of testing drug-using idiots. If I was burned out before (and I was), now I'm just hanging by a thread as far as this job is concerned. I desperately need a vacation, but I'm not going to get one - not because I don't have the time to spare, but because I have no money. I am STILL waiting for this fucking 8 grand from the gubmint, not that it looks as if that's coming anytime soon. To be honest, I'm starting to get scared. I bought that house partially because I knew I would get some money back for it, and to not have it right now is really beginning to hurt me financially - or to at least put a squeeze on my comfort level. I can't even get anything I need right now, never mind want. I'm sleeping on my living room sofa right now because I have no bed - the mattress on the floor shit doesn't work anymore for me, I'm too fucking old and my back hurts too much to keep doing that. I'm totally stuck in limbo without that money. I can't do anything but try to keep my stupid head above water. (And I'm sure the frustration in my words can be well heard at this point. I just don't know what, if anything, can be done about it.)

Social life still in the toilet. Mad at the very few friends I have left, for different reasons. I'm well on my way to complete isolation, not that I honestly care anymore. No one ever really calls to check on me, or invite me to things that I might actually enjoy. Apparently I am now persona non-grata to people that were once my friends - so be it. Maybe this is a sign that I need to start over fresh in my life, with a new perspective, identity, goals. I don't know.

Right now there is a lot of frustration coming from nearly every aspect of my life - personal, financial, professional. I don't know what to do about it, and I've never been one to handle frustration very well, I admit to that. I am just...tired of fighting, I suppose. Seems that I've always had to fight for everything I've ever wanted, from material things to keeping people in my life. I am tired of struggling just to say sane and tired of crying and feeling half-crazy. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of FEELING alone.

The only aspect of my life right now that isn't suffering is my "career", if you could call what I do that, anyway. These drug-addled freaks down here love seeing me, for some reason. Perhaps I need to remember that I'm lucky, compared to their lives.

Or perhaps I just need to keep in mind that these feelings, like everything else, will pass. I need to try and remember that, some days.

I don't really know what the point is (if there even is one) to this post. Just some stuff that's been building up, I guess. I just see frustration and roadblocks all around me and it's hard to keep my head up or think that anything will get better. But it will. Eventually, it will.

Now I just need to talk myself into believing it.

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