Transitions and ramblings. Echoes from a cracked brain...

For those of you that still bother to read this silly blog, it must seem to you as if all I ever do is bitch and whine about my life - about how wrong or right it's going, about how I feel and what I think (usually negative) about the state of the world and the people in it.  It's true, I do a lot of this and I know it.  I just felt the need all of a sudden to apologize for doing it, and I don't really know why.  It sometimes bothers me that it doesn't seem as if I have anything more to talk about than the state (or miserable state, such as it is) of my mental health.  But the thing is that it's been the forefront of things that I've had to deal with for the past few years.  I make no apologies for THAT much. 

 

The truth is that I don't really hold any strong opinions of issues of the day - and that worries me.  Oh, sure, I feel this way about a certain thing, or that way about a certain thing - but it's sort of a fatalistic feeling.  Like.. "It would be nice if things go my way... but I really don't expect them to, and if they don't, I guess I'll just live with whatever happens, because I can't control the outcome."  Like if they made abortion illegal or something.  I wouldn't like it, but I can't control what happens, so if it's made illegal, I'd just live with it.  What good does complaining do?  And I know that's sad, but yet it's how I feel.  I have no control over anything that happens - so what's the use in fighting it?

 

This comes from watching my mother marching in all of those "demonstrations" during my childhood.  Yeah, great, she spoke out for what she believed in, that's just wonderful.  But at what cost?  What good did any of it do?  The world today is even WORSE off now than when she was doing all of that, and in the end it cost me the support I desperately needed during my childhood and adolescence.  Because she was never, ever around when I really needed her.  Because she was absent when I was confused, scared, and hurting from the bullshit I was going through in junior high school.

 

Let me tell you all something - this bullshit with "bullying in school" isn't new.  It's not new at all.  The only difference today is that there's more attention being paid to it.  Kids were killing themselves back then, too - or at least trying to.  I did.  I tried to kill myself at 15, and damn near succeeded.  And I assure you that my mother never knew it.  Nor did anyone in my family.

 

Why?  Because no one was fucking paying attention, that's why.  The only reason I'm still here today is because that suicide attempt failed.  That's the ONLY reason. 

 

I can say one thing, though - thank Christ I'm not a teenager today.  Thank... Christ.  Because I think my suicide attempt would have been no attempt, it would have been a fucking success.  The amount of cruelty that is omnipresent today - and the various methods that are used to wield it - it would make any child kill themselves.  I wouldn't survive these times.  I know that.  I am grateful that I at least escaped that much.

 

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, to be honest.  It's just general stuff that's been floating through my head in one form or another.  A story on the news will spark it, just a thought or two, and then it's gone.  I would have six thousand posts a day on this blog if I were able to retain all that I think about over the course of a day, so maybe that's a fortunate thing for you all, heh.

 

Oh, yes, back on track to where I was... which is generally being apologetic.  I don't know why I feel like I have to justify my actions, even here.  Perhaps it's my usual apology for just existing.  Who knows.

 

I try not to think much about the past anymore, or to even allow things to come into my mind that I don't want to remember.  I've banished them to a far, far corner of my empty head.  But there are times, there are still times, where I desperately wish that I could be what I used to be... or that I could be the person that I once had POTENTIAL to be.  If that makes sense.

 

Most people don't remember me when I was very small, but I wasn't always like this.  I used to be a gregarious, outgoing, extroverted person - especially when I was very young.  Before I found out that life hurt.  Before I found out that people, as a general rule, are cruel and thoughtless.  No one realizes just how very much I want to be that child again, the child without a care in the world and trusting in people to do the right thing.  I guess, though, that it's a thought that a lot of people share, that I guess I'm not so different after all.

 

Thanks if you've read this far.  I'll be okay, really.  I have my classes coming up soon (and the Spanish one is going to be a BITCH, I can already say that right now), and work always keeps me busy.  I have the house to work on, too, when I can.  I have zero money right now, meh, but I guess that'll be the case for a while until I can maintain some kind of a schedule and/or routine.  Once I do, though, it'll all be okay.

 

Life really isn't THAT awful.  I'm just a little lonely sometimes, that's all, and that's unfortunately very normal for me.  I should count my blessings while I'm ahead, you think?

 

More later.