A source of stress - identified.

So, I'm getting ready to move - hopefully for the last time.  However, this week has been quite a difficult one for me in a lot of respects.  Work is as usual - full of ungrateful, barely literate, whining about how "the man keeps them down", drug-addicted criminals.  But that's consistent and therefore something I can, heh, "look forward" to, as sad as that might be. 

 

No, the disquietude and upset are coming from elsewhere, I'm afraid, and it's a source that I should have seen coming, but didn't plan for.  Lucky me.  I was in the shower this morning, idly thinking about why I've felt so upset this past week.  Couldn't put my finger on it, for a while.  But I think I've figured it out.

 

It's about people who were at one time close to me - my friends, my support, my literal "rocks" to hold on to while I lost what little mind I had.  And they're slipping away from me, one by one.  In the space of maybe 4 months or so, I've gone from talking to these people every single day - to barely ever seeing them.  To being ignored when I try to talk to them.  To a response of flat silence when I even say the word "hello".  To not being acknowledged.  To... well, nothing.

 

I already know the first excuse I'm going to hear - "Well, I've been busy."  We're ALL busy.  I'm the busiest person I know, I commute 2 hours each way to and from work, I work 9 hours a day with some of the worst "scum of the earth" (think sex offenders and murderers), I get home and sometimes all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep because I don't have enough time to enjoy life.  What life?  Seriously, what life?  But I'm never "too busy" to just say hello to people I care about.  I'm never "too busy" to maybe plan the rare get-together or have a short conversation with them (even if just through IM or Facebook or something).  I'm not too busy for that.  So that excuse just doesn't fly, I'm sorry.  If you don't want to spend time with me or talk to me anymore - say so and end this pretend bullshit that you care about what I think or how I feel.  It doesn't wash.

 

I feel like I've been shoved aside, replaced, not worth even an explanation.  Well, guess what, there will come a time where I'm "too busy". 

 

If you're reading this and you're one of the people that are starting to wonder if I'm talking about you - maybe you need to sit down and examine why you feel like I AM talking about you.  I haven't named names.  I haven't even done more than obliquely hint.  But if you're reading this and you're feeling bad because you think you're one of the many that have done exactly what I described above... maybe you need to examine yourself as to whether you are indeed guilty of doing this.  Maybe you don't care - to which I say a hale and hearty, "fuck off and don't come back, then".  I have gotten along without such people in my life before and most certainly will again. 

 

There.  I've gotten some of the anger out with this post, but I suspect that there'll be a lot more to come over the next few months or even years.  I never, never, ever forget when someone has done me dirty.  Ever.  Oh, people might think that it's all forgotten.  People might think I've "moved on".  Not so.  I miight tell people they're "forgiven", I might even go so far as TO forgive.  But forget?  Never.  Never, never, never, never, EVER.

 

I'm well aware that I have a problem with this, thanks.  I know that I have impossibly high standards when it comes to others.  If people fail even ONCE with me... it's all "over" in my mind, they can't ever be trusted.  I know this is a flaw.  I've even gone so far as to banish people by ASSOCIATION - i.e., if they're friends with the person that hurt me, they're banished from MY life.  I know - not fair.  But, hey, guess what, life ISN'T fair and no one knows that better than I do.  Perhaps, for ONCE, someone else needs to experience that and see just HOW much it hurts - you think?

 

Maybe I have more anger to get out than I think.

 

Anyhow... that's your dose of hatred and disappointment for the day.  Stay tuned until next time when I go on about how fucking stupid the world is and how much I despise everyone - like usual.

 

Fuck it.