Slight rant headed your way. Maybe even some complaining.

Before anyone asks - no, nothing is wrong with the house sale (so far), nor has the depression returned in full force (though it never has and probably never will just "go away" like I keep fervently hoping it will).  No, this is about a few things, really - so I'll just free-form ramble as I always do, and maybe some insights will come out of it. 

 

I took a training class at work this week, and was administered something called a Mindex test - apparently it had to do with "thinking styles".  Anyhow, after I took it, I discovered that certain traits were highlighted in relation to the way that I think.  It was meant to be in regards to work, but... let's put it this way, the adjectives used were, and I quote - "inflexible, negative, non-trusting, and cold."

 

I didn't have much of a reaction at the time, but the more I think about it, the more incensed that I feel about it.  Yes, it's true that I'm pretty negative and non-trusting.  But Jesus Q. fucking Christ, after all of the shit that I've been through in my life, who WOULDN'T be?  I'd be an utter FOOL to trust people after all of this.  As for "inflexible"... I don't feel that I am so, though others have contradicted me on this point.  Maybe I appear inflexible because I've finally decided that I want what I want, and that I'm not going to allow anyone to talk me out of what I want, ever again.  I'm done with that.  Forgive me for sounding "melodramatic", but I've sacrificed a good portion of my life for others' well being, and I'm done with that, as well.  I'm just not going to allow it any longer. 

 

"Cold"?  Yes, I can be.  That's the reality of the effects of what I've been through.

 

I'm not sure what I'm more upset about - the fact that the adjectives were used to describe me in the first place, or that a lot of people seem to agree with them.  I can't tell what upsets me more.

 

I've got a little "secret" for those of you who are still reading this far.  Are you ready for it?  Here it comes.

 

I desperately WANT friends.  I really do.  I don't like being alone, and I don't like feeling the way I do about people and society in general.  I don't LIKE to think the immediate worst of everyone I meet.  I don't LIKE to just outright not trust anyone.  I don't like ANY of this.

 

But I'll be damned if I know what to do about it.  No one seems strong enough to "stick around".  No one has to HELP me work shit out, I don't want that.  I just want them to be there in case I need them, that's all I ask.  And some are.  I appreciate the hardy few that have.  The fact is, ladies and gentlemen - I'm still fucked up emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually.  I'm busted out.  Nothing to give to anyone, because I've had it all taken away in the past.  I'm trying to get it back.  But it's so fucking hard.  The depression has taken more from me than I can ever explain to anyone.  I'm not crying for no reason anymore, but I'm still so fucking apathetic.  I don't care about anything, anyone, anywhere.  And that's so hard to deal with, because I WANT to care, you know what I mean?  I never wanted any of this to happen. 

 

The question is ... what DO I want?  And the answer is that I just don't know.  I'm trying to grab on to things that I recognize I want so that maybe I can build a foundation for myself, from scratch.  But sometimes I wonder if it's just not too late.  I'm scared to trust people.  I immediately assume that they want something from me, because why else would they be around me....

 

Heh, so much for me not crying.  I managed to accomplish it here, didn't I.  Meh.

 

Don't get me wrong.  I would have loved to have been married, had kids, had the normal life that everyone else around me takes so for granted.  But I'm damaged.  I can't allow people in, because I don't want to get hurt anymore.  It's not worth the risk. 

 

My worst fears will materialize, and I will die alone, friendless, forgotten.  I foresee it, and while I'm resigned, I am so, so sad.  This is so not what I signed up for in life. 

 

Bah.  I'll be okay, folks, this is just shit that's been spinning in my brain for a while now, and I've never been able to find the words to describe it until now.  People don't want to admit it when they're lonely and sad and frustrated with their lives.  I'm no different.  The fucked-up thing is that I've accomplished incredibility in the last year - school, buying the house, employment going well - I should be more than satisfied with my life.  And yet I just feel empty, apathetic, alone.  Something is WRONG. But I don't know how to fix it.  (And before you all start screaming therapy - I've been, I've tried for years, and therapy does nothing - it places blame on my childhood, which I already KNOW about, and I'm not paying for sessions when I know damn well what the problem IS.  I want solutions, not to be told again and again and again what the problem is.)

 

Sigh.  So much for calmness today.

 

I had more on my mind, but I think this one subject's pretty much wiped me out for the day.  I'm at work, too, and it's been disgustingly busy for a Wednesday, so I'm going to stop here.  If it's important enough, I'll come back to it.

 

Sorry for the brief loss of control.  And thanks for reading if you've gotten this far.