A slight improvement. But not much.

I've been feeling slightly better in the mental department as of late, but it's still not anywhere close to where I want to be.  Still feeling pretty apathetic, to be perfectly honest.  Right now, it's a waiting game for everything.  I've been torn up about what to do with this tax money coming - pay down my debt, take a trip someplace, invest it in the stock market... there are all of these choices and I don't really know what to do about any of them.  The sensible part of me is saying pay down the debt, get rid of it - but then I read things like Suze Orman and I know deep down that I'll never be able to afford a goddamned thing.  Who has a hundred thousand dollars for retirement saved?  On my pissy little taking-urine salary?  I'll be lucky to get a thousand saved up - never mind a hundred thousand. 

 

That house I want might as well be from the pages of a book, because it's the closest I'll ever get to having it.

 

Work is odious as usual.  Idiotic coworkers and even more idiotic "customers".  This is a job - not a career.  And yet I have great fears that I'll be doing this for the rest of my working days.  I really do.  I'll never get anywhere, working here.  I know that.  I'm trying to get this degree at least started, but I feel like that's going nowhere, too.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm foolish to believe that I'll do any better than this. 

 

Forgive me for the downbeat tone.  I haven't written because there's been nothing to write about.  I've felt like this for weeks now, and it seems pointless to keep reiterating it.  I suspect that a lot of people have quit even reading this blog, and who can blame them, really?  It's just the same stupid drivel repeated.  It's not like I ever have anything to contribute other than pissing and moaning about how rotten the world is and how I've been wronged, etc.

 

Jesus.  I've turned into my fucking grandfather.  That's what he always did, and now it lives on in me.  I hate this.  I fucking hate this.

 

Anyway.  What else is new, heh.  :(