A dip on this endless rollercoaster.

Not feeling very well today, for myriad reasons.  One of which is that I made a critical financial error in paying a bill from the wrong account, and here we go with the endless bullshit fees and stiff penalties that they impose.  The bill is paid - there's nothing wrong there.  The problem is that I paid from the wrong place - I have like, six bank accounts, heh - and now everything else that I've paid for on this same account is starting to bounce.  One of these days I'm going to consolidate all of the fucking accounts into ONE place, but the reason why it is the way it is now is because I was overzealous in trying to establish myself financially, especially when I first got back from the shack in Georgia - which is now 5 years past.  I think that I need to decide exactly where I want to go with this, and that'll help to avoid these kinds of errors in the future.  I want my Justice acount because it's with a credit union, but they're almost impossible to bank with because there's no way I can deposit anything - there's no branches outside of the D.C. area and where there are some, it's inconvenient.  That doesn't help me.  I want my Chespeake account because they're the ones that took a chance on me in the first place when I had a problem with Chexsystems - under Chexsystems you can't even get a bank account at all.  VERY nasty place.  But again, Chesapeake is inconvenient, no branches and no way to make a deposit other than electronically (which is currently what I do).  And then there's my M&T, which IS convenient, but... I'm leery of going with them permanently because they're like the other banks with the fees and the bullshit.  I don't even know where to start considering at this point... and in the meantime, the little savings I've managed to build up is in real danger of getting decimated by this crap.  (sigh)  I can't fucking win.

 

I'm also, right now, a victim of my usual overthinking.  I was contemplating the situation concerning a certain person that I'm currently angry with - have <b>been</b> angry with for some time.  What I'm confused about is that the original reason(s) to <b>why</b> I'm angry with her actually no longer matter, as the situation has resolved itself on its own.  And yet, I can't let go of the fact that I feel she's a backstabbing bitch.  (Hey, I said "I feel" instead of "she is" - I'm getting better at not assuming everyone thinks what I do, ain't that something, whoo.)  Whenever I think about even discussing this with her, something inside of me just curdles - I can't even consider talking to her, because I haven't forgiven her for what she did - nor do I see myself forgiving her for it any time soon.  When I hold a grudge, it's long and far-reaching - sometimes to the point of permanency.  It bothers me, because under normal circumstances, I think I'd actually enjoy this woman's company.  But I can't get around it.  There's no way.  I'm in conflict, though, because like I said, the situation is over - it's paltry, really, when I think about it now, though at the time it was a huge, huge deal to me and it eclipsed a lot of other shit that was going on.  The fact that it's unimportant now is the reason I'm actually not going to go much into it here - because in truth the situation itself doesn't matter, but the lingering feelings from it do.  I want to get rid of those feelings.  I don't have to talk to this bitch again - and I don't intend to - but I also don't want her to haunt me for years to come, either, even if it's in my own brain.  A whole bunch of people are tied in with this, and I'm working slowly on getting rid of them, one by one.  Most of them are gone now, banished to the "so unpleasant they're not worth the space" corner in my head, but a few remain, stubbornly.  It'll happen.  I have confidence in that.

 

I haven't commented much about work as of late because it's been more or less the same.  Although the people I serve (basically the addicts, but sometimes the coworkers, too) get on my nerves, it's been basically bearable.  That's all going to change Monday, however, because Useless - i.e., the stupid, self-centered bitch that I used to work with on the night shifts this time last year - is returning on Monday after three blissful, quiet months of her being out with surgery.  I wonder if they operated on her mouth - that's where she needs it.  But, anyway, while it'll be good to get the extra help (despite the fact that we have new people), I don't want her back.  I almost hope that she gets sent elsewhere.  A girl can dream.

 

I'm actually feeling a bit better now than when I started this post, but as the Obama campaign once said, "Change is-a gonna come."  I can feel it already starting.

 

I hope it's not for the worse.