I was thinking about that this morning, about my medicine and how it's improved my mood and my overall outlook ever since I was prescribed the Luvox. I see the doctor today - I should have an update on that later tonight. I honestly think that it's helped me. But as always, I'm cautious. I don't know when the next attack is going to come, if it does. Even right now I'm feeling somewhat alienated and abandoned by my friends, even though 1. that's not the case, really and 2. I don't have a lot of friends to feel alienated FROM. I really need to investigate as to why I feel like this sometimes - is it because I'm not getting any attention from them? But what's fucked is that for years I haven't wanted attention, because it's been mainly negative... oh, I don't know. I guess I still have a touch of the paranoia where I'm thinking that people are nice to me - mainly to get something that they want out of me - and then hurting me behind my back where they think I'm not looking or seeing. Isn't that an awful thing to think? But when that's your reality for years and years.... you can't help it. :(
Maybe I'm not quite as better as I want to believe, if I'm stilll occasionally entertaining these thoughts in my head.
In other news, I was notified that I got an award at work - yes, another one - and I'm supposed to get it on November 16th. Apparently it involves a lot of money. At least I'm good for taking the piss, if nothing else, heh.
Wow. My mood just switched from okay to down in the space of ten minutes. Guess the Luvox can't cure everything. This is exactly what I mean when I say that the attacks haven't stopped - they're just dumbed down to manageable.
I had all of this news... the award, the money, the fact that I'm going to Boston for the Thanksgiving weekend, I'm going bowling on Halloween weekend, I'm thinking about a cruise for myself (without my mother, thanks)... all of this pales in comparison to my mood now, which is just... defeatist at best and outright sad at worst. At least I'm not crying hysterically and breaking dishes like I used to. That's something, anyway.
I'll be okay. I really need to figure out why I feel so abandoned by everyone. What is with that?
At least I'm recognizing that it's a problem.
More later after I see the doctor....
1 comment:
i honestly think it's this wacky weather changing back and forth from beautiful to crap!! LOL
congrats on the award and the moolah!! it's always a nice bonus eh?
sounds like you have a lot going on, and i think it's great!! the new meds definitely have brightened up your blog a bit, as we can see it in your writings.
have a great weekend darlin! love you!!!
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