I have a few minutes to write (from work, of course - I'm really thankful that I can use my mail to do a blog post now, it doesn't look so bad). It's not really a slow day - there's been more people coming through here than I want to think about - but the time's gone by fast. Either way, it means I can go the fuck home soon, which is all that I care about.
I don't know what the hell is going on with me as of late. I seem to have these "black periods" of time... where I feel horrible, depressed, like I want to die... then everything is "normal", whatever my normal is. I wish that I could describe it accurately so that maybe the doctor could take care of it. Perhaps on Friday when I go see them I'll try and explain the best I can. What's sad is that these drugs I'm on now work... well, sort of. They work fine when I'm like this. When I'm in the mood I have been for the last week and some, they don't seem to help at all. My appetite is off, too, or at least it has been. How the fuck am I supposed to lose weight, stay fit, etc., when I don't even know from day to day whether I'll have any kind of an appetite or be able to eat without throwing up?
God, depression is horrible. I wouldn't wish this shit on my worst enemy. And believe me, unfortunately my worst enemy (to me) has been on my mind. Hopefully I'll be able to calm down from that, too.
Another thing that's odd is that despite my dark mood, I've apparently been doing very well, or at least it's appeared to be so. I got an award at work on Friday - apparently great customer service to them means bending over ass backwards and getting royally screwed. I'm also averaging a solid A in all three of my classes - at least for now. So... despite the fact that I've felt like a truck's run over me, I've been able to hold it together.
This is what I'm talking about. I just don't get it. This shit is so frustrating....I just hope right now that I can feel good. At least for a while.
Oh, shit, getting bum-rushed at work. The bastards. More later.
1 comment:
i hope the docs are able to crack the chemical code so that you start feeling better steadily, as it seems you have lil spurts, and the highs and lows are still pretty dramatic. love ya hun. can't say i don't worry about you, but i do. *hugs*
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