Here lately, I've been feeling as if I'm a circus act. You know the one that juggles all the balls/plates/etc. in the air, trying desperately not to let anything fall to the ground? That's me right now. I'm trying to deal with work, and school, and packing, and it's all coming to a point where something's going to give - perhaps it's my mental health. I've been thrown off of my medication schedule a couple of times this week. And that's scaring me, because if there's one thing that I was always careful about (at least here recently), it's been my medicine. But now it's a night here without the Abilify... a morning there without a Wellbutrin... it's scaring me to death, that one day I'm going to end up crackiing and going back to the mental ward.
The sad thing about that is that on some days, I almost wish that I was back there again. I even hear some of you thinking "why???" It's because I ... this is hard to explain, but I felt like I could be crazy. If I wanted to cry, I could cry, in public, without worrying about what people would think of me, or people asking me what was wrong. I didn't have to get out of bed if I didn't want to. I didn't have to think about anything if I didn't want to. Of course, that would have earned me more "time" there, but... I sometimes wonder if that wouldn't have been so bad. I only spent three days there, and I wonder sometimes if that was really enough.
But the truth of the matter is that I missed my freedom. I missed being able to go outside if I wanted to, or to talk to people. I will never forget the one brief time they let us out for a "walk". It was cold, gray and looked like it was about to snow... but that brief few minutes was like heaven. I can't describe it. You have to be forcibly locked up to understand. People in prison would know what I meant. Prisons and mental wards.
I don't really know why I'm like this right now. It's just all of this added pressure at a time where I've been trying so hard to get pressure off of me.
I guess I'll be fine. What's the worst that could happen to me? I'll just end up in the mental ward again and isn't that where I want to be?
1 comment:
right now, you're a fighter hun, and it can be SO exhausting. though not going through what you go through, but other issues in my own life it does seem like just giving up, even knowing the consequences, seems like it could be a familiar relief to it all. kudos for sticking with it all, and doing what you know in your heart and mind must be and needs to be done. it's a hard road, and you definitely got some fight in you! *hugs*
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