Haven't bothered to write, in the unlikely event you haven't noticed.

I've not bothered because I've either been in a sour mood or I've been too depressed to even care.  Things, as I'm sure you can imagine, are not going well.  The atmosphere at work has gone south once again, and I'm desperately looking for something, anything, to get me the fuck out of here.

 

I'm seriously questioning my decision to take up criminal justice as a career.  Because the people that I work with are so fucking beyond help.  I started this job, originally thinking that I could make some kind of a difference in these peoples' lives, at least show them some kindness or compassion where no one had any - but you know what?  The second they think they can, they'll turn on you.  They'll fuck with you so badly that you not only look the fool, but your job could be on the line.  Nothing that drastic has happened, but it's just a matter of being cursed at and spat on when you're doing your damndest to try and help these assholes.  Well, as far as I'm concerned, they're beyond help.  What they need to do with most of these wastes of society is just lock them up, throw away the keys, forget they even exist.  Harsh?  Maybe, but that's my mindset today.  If someone just takes these people, lock them up far, far away from the rest of society, maybe we wouldn't have half of the problems we do.  Anyone ever consider that?

 

Yes, the sour mood has taken over.  Fuck it.  I don't care today.  All I want is to make it through the rest of the week so that I can be left the fuck alone. 

 

Combine that with school starting, and the pressure of having to pack and move by July, and things are just not good right now on any level.  I'm trying desperately to hold back tears - seeing that I'm stuck here right now and I really don't want anyone staring at me, I'm sick of it - I've got to get through this.  I have to.  Even if it kills me.

 

And now the depression.  It flip-flops.  I think I'm just feeling both at once and don't know what to do about it.  There's too much going on.  I don't want to crack again... and I can feel it deep down, that I might, I might...

 

This is why I've been staying away.  Because it's bad enough that I have to go through it, there's no reason why anyone should have to read it, too.

 

I'm going to just try to get through one hour at a time... just one hour.... maybe if I break it down into little chunks I'll manage to get through the rest of this day without busting out into uncontrollable sobs.  Here's hoping. 

 

:'(